Almost Intelligent

If You Are Here You Took A Wrong Turn On The Internet

Ball, As In Dropped-From February 17th, 2011

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This column, in all honesty, represents a low point in the quality of Almost Intelligent. After weeks of 6am writings, it was apparently time to pay the piper. (The Tara referenced here is Tara Chislett, the editor of a fine edition of the Aquinian, and as of this writing a reporter for the Daily Gleaner in Fredericton.)

Kids, I have a few pieces of advice I would like to pass on to you.

One, never punch a redwood especially not in Middle-Earth, since there’s a good chance it is really an Ent. If those movies (there were books or something too, novelizations of the films or some such?) taught me anything, it is that a pissed of tree will seriously end your shit.

Two, never agree to play three hockey games in a single day and then forget you’re supposed to write a column until 3 a.m.

Three, never make a deal with a one-eyed Mexican on a moonless night. Don’t ask why, just trust me on this.

As you might have guessed by the above rambling, my poor decision making today has cost me the chance to write a coherent column. I should note that when I say “today” I mean Saturday (okay, technically Sunday morning). Weird, it’s like I’m writing to the future. On the off chance you have jetpacks in the distant, 3-day off future, congratulations. Should there be no jetpacks, shame on you! It’s 2011, people, and I do not see one fucking hovercar or jetpack. TV and Movies promised me both by now. Where is my damned hoverboard Back To The Future?

At this point my lawyer (if you are keeping track, yes, my lawyer is right next to me as I write this column in bed at 3 a.m….we have a close working relationship alright?) is informing me that yelling obscenities at Michael J. Fox while continually calling him “Back To The Future” is unlikely to procure me a hoverboard. In fact, he tells me, I am probably going to prison for assault and battery.

Looks like my next column will be carved into the wall with a shiv whilst I avoid the advances of Gentleman Jim.

Where was I? Oh yes, poor decisions. I have been making something of a study of my own poor decisions of late. I have come to the disquieting conclusion that a simple awareness of their poor quality is not enough. It took me a full ten minutes to write that sentence, not because I was thinking about the wording but because it suddenly became critically important for me to check the CBC news updates….at 3:26 in the morning. I am endeavouring, I suppose, to give some insight into the way I fight myself over writing these columns.

Did it again. Had to check The Onion. Lost another ten minutes. Now my need to finish this column is conflicting with my need to sleep. I know that I cannot sleep until it is finished. I know that if it is not finished, my editor is likely to calmly, but firmly, gut me like a fish (don’t be fooled by her reasonable editorials, I HAVE seen Tara kill a man for less.) Objectively, then, I know that if I muscle through and finish the column I will get more sleep. Yet still I cast around desperately for distractions.

Suddenly I’ve not explored my phone’s settings thoroughly enough, or maybe CBC has updated in the last while (it hasn’t.)

I suspect I am not the only person who finds themselves in this boat when it comes to things that must be done. Then again, maybe you sit down and do your work in one shot (ahead of deadline) and move on. If that is the case I am impressed and also, from 3 a.m. Sunday morning, jealous as all hell. Here is where I would typically sum up the column, or come up with some overarching moral. Sadly, all I can offer is an apology, since I know your happiness for the week ABSOLUTELY hinges on the quality of this column.

Small piece of advice, to end as I began, use time wisely. I will never get this column back, and am just now considering something. This time, it’s just a column I’ve lost. A lack of preparation can lose you much more than that.


Written by Colin Hodd

March 29, 2012 at 3:40 PM

Posted in The Titular Column

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